we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
