Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
