she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize