I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
The adults are the big ones right?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
