Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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