She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
