So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
