Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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