Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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