oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
