Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
There r osticjed everywhere
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
