but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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