dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
