He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
