i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
