So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
