he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
