Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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