how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
