Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
