when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
