You made me cry and you don't even care
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
