Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
