We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
