I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
