he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
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i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
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No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.