So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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