i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing