As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
