I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
