listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
