I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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