I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
