Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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