Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
