Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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