went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My ass is underappreciated
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
