Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
420 ftw
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
When did angry sex become our thing?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
