remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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