2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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