I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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