if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
