no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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