Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
