Sry I called you an 8
piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
