about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
