you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
