when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
