Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
