I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
