I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
