i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
