so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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