It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
