I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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