I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
