i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
