If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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