I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
