I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
The beer is more important than you right now.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
