no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
