I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
